Friends with Benefits

Many people use this term to describe two people who have sex and tolerate each other for sake of continued sex and label each other “friends”, for lack of a better term. People in that situation need not be confused; you are fuck buddies. Sorry, but this article is not about them (you?). Instead, I want to touch on what I consider to truly be friends with benefits.

Many times, we will find ourselves making friends with people we genuinely find attractive. Regardless of the intentions at the beginning of the friendship, if you find someone attractive there’s no denial of it. Choosing to not act on your attraction is a completely different game from acknowledging attraction. Finding someone to be attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex with them or be with them. It just means you have eyes and things that you like. Anyway, you’ve been friends for quite some time and for some reason lately you have both become far more familiar with each other and the heat and tension are building. You want each other, and I mean bad, but you’re friends. There’s a line you shouldn’t cross… right?

Having a good friend is invaluable, especially in today’s world where too many friendships can be bought, sold, and completely forgotten for numerous reasons. Having a friend you’re attracted to can be a tough situation to be in. On one hand, you want to put the values of this person as a friend in a vault, never to be tainted by anything or anyone. On the other hand, you want to put them on the kitchen counter and show them just how much you really appreciate their presence in your life. Standing butt naked at the crossroads with your goods in your hands, what do you do?

Having sex with a friend comes with unwritten rules that really can’t be stated because you’re really taking a gamble. If you’re choosing to cross the invisible line and jump into each other, the first thing to consider is that you’re friends and you don’t want to lose that aspect of each other. If you are absolutely terrified by the thought of losing each other, not faithful that you commit and still maintain, or aren’t too sure about each other as individuals then I suggest you not even attempt it. Go home and fantasize instead. I feel that at times we suppress our sexual urges a bit too much and that it’s okay to spread your wings and fly a bit, depending on how you choose to fly. If you both have your sexual desires and find the solution in each other, I say go for it as long as you both love each other enough to be able to effectively communicate. I can’t emphasize communication in these situations enough. Effectively communicating, hopefully a few days or weeks before you actually make the move, will help you sort out all of the fine print issues. If you cover all of your bases and still feel comfortable, proceed carefully.

Having sex with a friend can blur the lines of your relationship with each other and that is definitely a must-have conversation. Be sure that you both know what to expect when going into this situation. Are you trying to date or are you just adding another dimension to your friendship? Do you both want to just try it once and see what happens? Making sure you’re both on the same page is crucial to maintaining your friendship and good communication. Of course, not all things go according to the plan. In the event that there is a change of heart in either direction, be sure that you are both comfortable enough to be open and honest about these types of things.

Ultimately, if you choose to cross that line, the name of the game is communication and awareness. The communication aspect is pretty straight-forward, but what do I mean by awareness? Be aware of all of the possible outcomes of this situation. It may be a one time deal, an all the time thing, an “until one of us is in a relationship” thing, or just a thing you do whenever you damn well please. It can also be the end of your friendship, but sometimes in life you take risks and you run a 50/50 chance of success and failure. Either way, to break that line with success (success: having sex and still having a great friendship) you both need to have a strong relationship with each other and yet enough separation to the possibility of this person eventually dating someone else, as it’s always a possibility.

What should ultimately matter is the happiness of both of you. As friends, you’re automatically teammates and this situation should be looked at from just that angle. Tackle it together, be honest, be open, and be aware! Who knows, opening up that aspect of your friendship may be just what you both need to shed light on the fact that there is a lot more between you than just buddy flics and laughs via text message.

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